Dealing with a chronic liar

Catching someone in a big lie won't prevent them from lying again. 

To stop lying, they'd have to develop integrity and confidence. Catching them humiliates them which lowers their confidence because it makes them feel stupid and inferior. 

The first time, they may apologize profusely and promise not to do it again. But as time goes on, the more you catch them in, the less they will apologize and the more they will resent you. By catching them, you are winning at a game you weren't even playing. You are not teaching them to stop, but infuriating them and they see it as a challenge to beat you at this game and get away with things more. It's an incredibly immature way of trying to achieve control and power. 

When you realize you're dealing with a chronic liar, know that it has nothing to do with you and you can't fix it, but you have to distance yourself to the point where the lies can't hurt you anymore. 

They believe lying keeps them safe and gets them what they want. It may even seem to do those things temporarily, but it remains inside them as shame and anxiety, and often comes out sooner or later and takes away whatever they got from it, plus trust is damaged or broken with whom they lied to.

If they realize there's no benefit to lying but it only pushes people away, it may eventually give them an incentive to stop. 

But that's a big if and you don't want to hold your breath waiting on it. 

They need to realize that true empowerment comes from being honest and making good choices so that there isn't even anything to lie about. It seems so easy, and it is for you. But for them, it's likely not even an option. They get a thrill out of fooling people. Even people who they care about. It gives them that false sense of control at first, followed by an inner shame. Then they get mad at you because this shame again makes them feel inferior to you, so they can't even win whether they get away with it on the outside or not. This is all within themselves. 

There's nothing you can do about it. That's a hard fact to accept when you see how pointless it all is and when you actually care about them. 

Moving forward, you do need to use discernment. You don't have to go full no contact in all cases. 

With a friend, you may just be totally honest with them and tell them that you really can't trust them anymore but you really like them. Some good people may have had past trauma and use lies as a deliberate smokescreen to keep a distance from people they don't know well. 

As for a spouse or best friend...no...you really can't have a chronic liar as it will drive you mad and you'll always have anxiety when you need to rely on their word. It's damaging to say the least. Let go with love.

-Doe Zantamata

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